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Talk:It's Over/@comment-63.240.123.144-20120210194933
Try to be more patient and take time to paint scenery and surroundings in more specific, vivid detail, instead of rushing in the next plot events. What does the street look like? Urban? Suburban? Describe the patterns of blood in the street. Spatters? Heavy pools? And, try to think up new adjectives to describe blood other than 'rusty'. And as far as events in general, the 'first' event of each category should be described in greater detail until the story develops further and certain actions become more routine. For example, simply stating something like 'I plunged my knife into his head' isn't quite enough. Your readers want more! ;) ex. "As the battered man shuffles toward me, I can't help wondering what he may have been through over the last several days, and marvel at how he is even able to stand, let alone walk under his own power. A part of me cannot help but feel sorry for him - Will I suffer a similar fate? Yet, he looms closer. My hands quivver despite my best efforts to keep my calm, waiting for the proper moment to strike. Grip tightens, teeth clench, palms grow sweaty. Everything seems quiet except for my heart trying in vain to punch a hole through my chest. He gets closer; time slows. Within arm's reach, I let out a great heave, and swing my clever at my attacker with every bit of strength I can muster. To my great relief, the blade finds its mark in the man's forehead, just above his left eye. The crunch of steel and bone, the spatter of blood, grunts and bellows echo from nearby buildings, all barely register, as my heightened senses are narrowly fixed upon the task at-hand - my life depended upon it. The stunned man stiffens, then drifts backward, and in a moment that seems to span minutes, his lifeless body lands flat on the pavement before me." It would also be interesting (and more realistic) to lay out some more background and basic ground rules regarding 'zombies'. Is this a Kirkman world where people haven't been exposed to the term 'zombie' or the genre in general? How do 'you' know what a zombie is? Why are people dying? What characteristics do they have that aligns them with 'zombies' from well-known fictional works, and which ones? (since you are assuming your readers are familiar with what a 'zombie' is) Why is it reasonable for you to classify the (un?) dead within your narrative as 'zombies'? ex. "On day X, the TV finally showed signs of life instead of static on every channel. I sat up quickly and focused intently at the on-screen image bearing the text 'Emergency Broadcast System.' I turned up the volume until I could hear a man's monotone voice. '...s s the Emergency Broadcast system. This is not a test. Under the authority of the federal government of the United States of America, Marshal Law is now in effect nation-wide. An outbreak has occured that government officials are working to contain. For your own safety, and the safety of others, and as a matter of national security, all civilians are required to stay indoors at all times. Do not allow any unknown person or persons to enter your premisis for any reason as it may be unsafe. Any person or persons found in violation of Marshal Law will be arrested and subject to $100,000 fine, or 5 years in prison. Any person who fails to comply with law enforcement or military personnel may face severe penalties. Hostiles may be shot without warning... This is the Emergency..." Overall, good stuff! Don't take any of my critque personally, I'm just trying to help you improve your writing! Keep it up, and let your passion guide you.